3 Quick and Easy Steps To Make Others Feel Important.

(You’re probably missing step 2)

Author

Daniel Baarns
March 10, 2024

3 Quick and Easy Steps To Make Others Feel Important. (You’re probably missing step 2)

When I was young my older sister seemed like a magician.

She'd always choose the best gifts for people.

It was like she had a super power and could see into their minds.

I never thought I’d be like her.

I gave him a bag of granola.

He lit up like a Christmas tree, and gave me a big hug: "dude I've been out of this and my wife and I weren't going shopping for a while, thank you so much!"

(A bag of granola from Trader Joes completely made his day)

If I hadn't:

  1. Listened

  2. Captured (that maple granola from Trader Joes was his favorite)

  3. Acted

I would have lost the gift of that moment.

What if a moment of gratitude like this could be your regular experience?

What if these small moments become your super power?

Not because you spent a lot of money, but because you listened and remembered what they said. (you can't buy that no matter how much money you have)

What if you could invest in the most valuable asset, the relationships in your life.

Why most poeple don’t think you care (even though you do)

The Big Problem(s)

You aren't listening.

You aren't systematically capturing the information people are sharing.

You aren't acting on this gold mine of information.

This will be on the Test:

When a professor says: "this will be on the test." the students who are paying attention write down what is said next. When the Test comes they’ve reviewed and know what is important and generally do well.

you wouldn’t just hope you remember what’s important, would you?

no.

You have a system for studying and a process to make sure you get the result you are looking for.

You’re friends and family are giving you this same information everyday. (and you’re missing it)

when the “test” (aka opportunity to show love presents itself) it’s crucial to have a system in place for taking notes about the things that are important to friends and family members. (and even proactively ask) At the end you'll see my 3 step system for capturing these details so when moments happen, you'll be prepared.

8 steps to show people they don’t matter:

  1. Forget their birthday.

  2. Forget their name.

  3. Arrive late.

  4. Break your word. (consistently)

  5. Don't point out the good things you see in them. (their strengths)

  6. Point out where they are falling short and could improve. (all the time)

  7. Talk at them and never ask: "do you just need someone to listen or are you looking for advice?"

  8. Don't create a system to remember important details about them.

You think you're terrible at gift giving. (and you may be)

Some people are naturally amazing at this.

Good news: (it's a skill that can be cultivated)

You're not living your life with intention, and thus you aren't giving the people in your life a sufficient amount of attention. (which may be due to a lack of order or lack of vision, newsletter's on both topics linked here and at the end)

CS lewis quote “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

―C.S. Lewis,The Four Loves

Why is it that you don't do small acts of kindness for the people around you?

Simple:

It takes effort and energy.

Life is a series of small inconveniences.

There are so many things going on in your life it's tough to remember what is going on in others lives (everyone else feels this same way too)

There are a few different reasons why you don't do these things:

  1. You are to concerned about what others are thinking about you (which makes it hard to hear them)

  2. You aren't listening for the needs that others are telling you

  3. You don't see others as worth the effort to create a process to make them feel special

  4. You don’t know that you could create a simple system that would help

  5. You think you don't have the time or the money to do this.

  6. You simply didn't know this was possible

  7. You never saw it modeled well.

  8. You don't think you're creative

Why listening is the best gift you can give:

You're going to die. (So are your friends and family)

Which would you prefer:

A: Someone you love dies and you knew them super well and are sad that they're gone.

B: You never invested in that relationship and now you are sad because now you'll never have the chance.

People matter because life is precious and not promised.

If you haven't read my newsletter on vision, read that next because this newsletter and that one are interwoven.

People won't rememeber all the things you did, but they will remember how you made them feel.

You have the ability to make someones day, simply by listening with intention. people are sharing problems and things they want and need with you every day. WAKE UP and listen to them.

Cultivate the ability to be present.

Every one wears a sign around their neck that says: "make me feel important."

After you've set your week in order, it takes being present and listening. You must remove the noise in your own mind long enough to listen to what's being said by others. (easier said than done) This takes effort everyday.

Why would you want to become unreasonably hospitable?

Because it's SO. MUCH. FUN.

No one else in their life is doing this for them. So you stand out like crazy in their mind.

You get to be a dream weaver. The things people shared in an off-hand way you wrote down, and they are caught so off guard and are so pleased with the gift. (usually it isn't expensive, it's thoughtful and often that's harder to do)

There is a joy that you will receive that you didn't know you wanted in your life when you give to others. (it's a part of our wiring)

At first it will be hard, but over time you'll see patterns and be able to bring unique ideas to each individual but they all start to have patterns.

Creativity is a practice - Seth Godin (newsletter on this idea coming soon)

You want to practice this level of creativity in your life because it is a gift to the other person.

It's the aggregation of marginal gains that makes the biggest difference in your life.

If you can help each person in your life feel special in some small way, your world is better, and the world as a whole is better.

By putting in a small amount of extra work, you can create an exponentially positive effect.

Because when people feel genuinely welcomed and uplifted by how you see them, they then go on to show up differently in their other relationships.

do what is required plus a little.

What to do from here:

Start with one person. Before you finish this newsletter identify who the person is.

The more you invest in others the fuller your life becomes.

By ordering your own life, it will give you the capacity to listen and be present enough to hear the needs of those around you. do this first.

If you follow the steps in the next section you'll have a way to capture the ideas your friends share.

You'll have this bank of material to reference whenever you want to make someones day.

Imagine what a difference it would make to have a unique and thoughtful gift for someone in your life on a Tuesday.

Not because it was a birthday or a holiday, but simply because you loved them and thought of them?

Now my challenge to you: Go be that person, do this once this month. give a thoughtful gift to one person. It's better well lived than well said. If you do this please let me know via Instagram.

  1. Smile at one random person today. (you'll find you get smiles back)

  2. Look for something you genuinely appreciate about a friend or stranger and tell them.

  3. Speak all the good you know of people behind their back (and in front of them)

  4. When Thanking someone use FBI frame work:

  • F - Feeling (example: I feel so grateful for...

  • B - Behavior (example: How you helped me clean the kitchen up after I cooked for us

  • I - Impact (example: It meant that I didn't then have to clean up after you left, and your actions made me feel loved and cared for by this small act of thoughtfulness.

My 3 step “how to make people feel important” Framework:

  1. Listen with Intention (looking for peoples need and wants)

  2. Capture key insights (on a google doc or notes app)

  3. Act on what you’ve captured. (Actions > Thoughts)

    1. Send a text of Gratitude

    2. Buy a gift when you recognize what they want

    3. Use Uber eats to send them a drink or their favorite food

    4. Send a hand written note

    5. Make a care package of things that will be useful

Free resources:

P.S. Want to give someone the gift of their Vehicle detailed in the Sacramento area? DM me on IG and I can make that happen.