Do you talk with dead people?

Have you read a book more than 10 times?

I’ve done both. Let me tell you about it.

There’s a fork in the road

Mmmm steak!

No, not that kind of fork. ;)

The fork in the road has two options:

1. You can put in the effort to learn technical skills, and yet wonder why you aren't getting what you want out of life. (Wasting years of effort) OR…

2. You can develop social skills, in addition to technical skills, by reading (and applying) the book “How To Win Friends And Influence People”

If you are still reading this, you are my type of person. Someone who is committed to learning AND applying that learning. Let's go!

6 step to guarantee that people will not be drawn to you

1. You believe that you are the most interesting person in the room

2. Never smile

3. Don’t make an effort to remember names

4. Be a bad listener: cut people off and only talk about yourself

5. Keep the focus on your own interests and accomplishments

6. Make yourself feel important at the expense of others

Think back on the last time someone made you feel important. Whether it was a random stranger giving you a compliment or your best friend listening to you, they have a few things in common: their words or actions showed interest in you and made you feel valued.

4 ways to limit opportunities and have fewer friends

"I hope everyone dislikes me, doesn't want me around, and never listens to what I have to say." --No One

1. Have a lack of awareness

When I was groping about in the dark, desperately needing to learn how to become better socially, I found this book. I have blindspots. This book helped me become genuinely interested in other people, and gave me a structure of how to interact with an increased level of awareness. Curiosity in others leads to interest in them.

"You can make more friends in 2 months by being genuinely interested in other people than you can in 2 years by trying to get people interested in you” Dale Carnegie - “How To Win Friends and Influence People”

2. Lack of intention

You don't value people

"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injuries to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring." Alfred Adler - “What life should mean to you*”*

This is the other side of a lack of awareness. It is living without vision and intention. If you don't have a vision for your life, people are less important. If you don't see people as the most important thing to you, these 6 ideas will not be valuable, because people aren't valuable to you. Living without vision and intention is the surest way to create a destructive world. You don’t want to need other people.

3. Lack of desire

You don't want deep relationships

It can feel threatening to let people get close enough to you to see who you really are.  Therefore, you keep people at a distance and don’t share your inner world.  It’s safer to be a fake version of yourself than risk being rejected.  You’ve tried that before and it has led to a pain that you dont want to happen again.

You fear needing people and them leaving you.

4. Lack of value

You believe that you don't need relationships. Or that they are simply a means to an end - a necessary evil to achieve the goal. You don't value the friendships in your life.. In time, those relationships die because they havent been a priority to you. You have become consumed with your own life and have stopped  thinking about what other people want and need. You’ve become solely focused on yourself, not realizing that success is empty without people to share it with.

There are consequences to not prioritizing the development of your social skills.

So many people think others are "naturally" good at being around people. Some do have that gift but most have developed it with practice and study. It can be learned and be authentic to who you are.

Without developing these relationship skills, you run the risk of missing valuable connections.  When there are opportunities available, people won't think of you. When there is a promotion available at work, you won’t be at the top of anyone’s mind.

Not prioritizing you social skills can have enormous long-term impact.  It can result in a lack of connection and possible isolation.  Finding your significant other becomes significantly harder. Spending time on developing your social skills creates a world where people want to be with you because of the person you are and how you make others feel when they’re with you.

Are you asking yourself: “Why would I want to be something that I'm not?”

None of this will work if you aren't genuinely interested in people. If you're hoping this is a quick fix, you're out of luck. However, if this is developed as a foundation, along with character and a deep caring for others, they will sense this and these ideas will work incredibly well.

Why this one book?

There is only one book I've read every year for the last 10 years: “How to Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Applying the lessons in this book will change how you interact with others and increase your social skills.

You will learn that there are small efforts you can make  in your relationships that will have huge rewards. Similar to investing money, these small gestures compound with time.  I encourage you to apply one of these lessons each day for the next 6 days. Join the “6 ways in 6 days” challenge!

How to make people like you in 6 days and 6 ways challenge:

Chose one idea to focus on each day for the next 6 days. If it feels weird at first, you’re normal. This is the first 6 days not the last. Each day come back and re-read this section, and apply the next idea.

1. Smile:

Application: Smile at 1 person every hour for the next week (this alone could change your life).

Bonus: Speak through a smile - have this become your normal resting face.

2. Become genuinely interested in other people:

“Every man is my superior in some way, in that I learn from him”-- Emerson

Application: Ask someone to tell you a bit about their story.  Try to understand their core values, not just what they do. When you meet them, ask: "I know I could ask what you do for work but I’d like to hear a bit about your story..." (it creates a different conversation)

3. Remember: the sweetest sound is that of a person’s own name:

Application: How I remember names

• When meeting someone, use their name 3 times in the conversation. When leaving, use their name when saying goodbye.

• Ask about the meaning of their name.

• Ask them to spell it (being able to spell a name and see it spelled helps to lock it in)

• When they’re telling you about their story, consciously link their story and their name together as you create a mental collage of this person and their interests. (4 panes of glass: name, appearance, work, fact)

• When you get home from where you met new people, go over the mental collages in your mind, recalling all the details. Make notes. Before you go back into that environment, review those mentally so those names are familiar and you are able to recall them easily.

• If it's a networking group or class room where there is a roster or member group, you can review that document before the next class to prime your mind.

4. Be a good listener by encouraging people to talk about themselves:

Application: use Labels and Mirrors:

Label the emotions behind the words they are saying: (It sounds like, it looks like, it seems like)

Using a “mirror” is repeating the last 3 words (or the most important 3 words) with an upward inflection of your voice (like if you are asking a question) The goal is to create clarity.

5. Ask about the other person's interests and accomplishments:

Application: This is especially easy if someone is active on social media. You can refer to a recent post and ask them about it face-to-face. Very few people do this.

Bonus: Keep a document of friends/family interests and likes. Make a note if they mention something they want or like - it’s easy to do on your phone.  In the future, these notes will be incredibly helpful for gifts or if you want to surprise them.

6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely:

Application: Ask this question of yourself: What do I admire about this person? Then tell them! Try doing this once a day for the next week.

Anytime you have a grateful thought about someone or are telling someone else about how great another person is in your life, make sure to also tell the person. We often tell everyone else how great our family/spouse/friend is, yet forget to tell the person. What a gift when we openly express appreciation!

The key to this is lowering your internal filter. Your opinion matters. Choose to speak life.

P.S. DM me “6 days” on Instagram so I know you are in: https://www.instagram.com/danielbaarns/ (I’d love to encourage you along the way)

References:

How to Create A Compelling Vision

How To Win friends and Influence people - Dale Carnegie

Never Split the Difference - Chris Voss