I'm excellent at failure. Let me explain:

I played drums for 8 years

4 live performances. (less than 200 people)

Rejected 3 times in auditions.

In the next 7 years, played live 1-4 times per week.

Over 70,000 people have seen me make mistakes. (and none remember them)

At 13, I believed people wanted to listen to me.

I was wrong.

What I've found is most people are very interested in themselves.

If I became interested in them, and talk about their interests and accomplishments, I’ll be welcome in most places.

I was homeschooled K-12th grade. It had benefits: I started taking college classes at 15, and started working at 16.

It had downsides: I often found myself an outsider in most social circles.

I wanted to be friends with others, but they had other friends from school. I just had them.

This could have made me bitter towards people. Looking for ways to exclude others once I had the opportunity. To make others hurt the way I did. But that wasn't what I chose. I used the things I hated as motivation to be the person I wished others had been for me. To be the “includer” in circles to welcome new people.

So if you've been on the outside. New to a space where everyone else already knows people, or been the lowest in skill in an environment and wanted to be the best. I've been there.

If an awkward homeschooler like me can develop social skills, so can you.

The Problem

I fell into the water again.

103 times.

I love trying new things.

But this sucked.

The kids laughed at me, I had people telling me to stop. (They felt bad at how I was failing over and over) I tried for hours. The next day I came back and (suddenly) could balance for the first time. I was learning to balance on a kids canoe. (which I was 50 lbs over the weight limit for)

In the beginning learning social skills can feel like all you're doing is failing and falling.

It's an investment of time and effort. With no guarantee.

This is the challenging part of relationships. They bring the most growth and enjoyment in life. They also are the source of the greatest pain.

If you don't see people as the highest value in your life when you need them most you won't have them.

You don't want to put in the effort to develop social skills.

You don't want to practice the skills. It's awkward, feels uncomfortable and foreign.

You don't see people as the most valuable thing in your life. finding yourself without the support system you long for when life happens. (which it will)

This isn't optional if you want to be healthy.

When you need people most is often when it's too late to create the friendships you need.

Here's what I didn't know. I didn't know that over 6 years I was developing a foundation of friendships and goodwill that would help me launch my detailing business.

When I had a car breakdown 6 different people were willing to pick me up and drop me off to still be a part of things over a weekend. I've had the incredible gift of having people who care about me deeply. Who have given and invested in me in incredible ways. I'm sharing these things not from a place of arrival. But from a desire to see you have the same experience of being included and recognize that these are learnable skills.

Without the skills I'm sharing with you today, my business wouldn't exist. And because of how I constructed my life people are something I continue to be able to prioritize. It’s been a self feeding cycle. If you want to develop these skills with weekly coaching from me the first 6 week cohort will start on june 24th, limited to the first 3 people. (DM me “cohort” to be added to the wait list)

My detailing business would not be doing as well as it is without my social skills. Because of a prior business I developed a habit of finding a way to stay in touch with most people I meet. When I went into detailing I found I had a total of 5515 contacts across all platforms (Email, IG, FB, contacts). Less than a thousand of them know I do detailing to this day. but that's how I was able to start.

"I don't want to be fake" you may be saying. If I do all these things will I still be myself? In the beginning all of these ideas will take conscious effort but like most skills they become a part of you and work automatically. There is a cycle for every skill:

1. “Unconscious incompetence

2. Conscious incompetence

3. Conscious competence

4. Unconscious competence

5. Mastery” - Limitless Jim Kwik

How these apply to these skills:

1. You don’t know what you don’t know (most people before practicing social skills

2. You are aware of what you don’t know (after reading this newsletter)

3. Conscious Competence (consciously practicing)

4. Using social skills without even thinking about it

5. Using these skills even in intense environments or with immense pressure.

This is true of most skills including social skills and listening.

How I became an insider:

People may not be the most important thing to you right now. If that's the case that's okay. Please recognize that at some point there will be a cost to this lack of investment.

Have you ever wanted to be included in something? Gone somewhere for the first time, and hoped someone would great you and make you feel welcomed, like you belong?

Here's the question that's helped me:

How do I show up as the best version of myself in this friendship/relationships? (and leave the other person better than I found them)

Here is how I went outsider to an insider in less than a year:

Have you ever walked into a familiar place that now feels foreign?

3 years ago I knew most of the people, but now the room felt cold. I only recognized 3 people.

Here was my process: (warning: effort required)

I started going to a young adults group on Thursday nights. (18.25 at bayside)

After that, I joined a small group. Which met Wednesday nights. (and within a few months was a co-leader of this group)

Then I joined a volleyball group that played every Sunday afternoon.

There was a group of guys that would meet every Saturday morning that was a combination of the volleyball group and the Wednesday small group.

I also started asking some of the guys to go to dinner on Tuesday nights.

Every once in a while there would be a group hangout on a Friday night or something where I could serve with other people from 18.25 and I would say yes to that.

When 18.25 was doing a retreat in February I chose to sign up.

We did a day trip to bodega bay in may of 2023 with the volleyball group.

Why go to all these things?

You may want to think of this as the process of building your roster of friendships with different levels of closeness. I knew I simply needed to meet enough people to find the few people who I wanted to be better friends with. And this took about a year and quite a lot of time and effort. And these friendships are the most enriching and encouraging part of my life today.

Do what's required plus a little.

I also looked for ways to do extra in each of the environments that I was in. So when I had the chance to lead a small group, I said yes. When there was a 2 day camping trip, I chose to go. There was a mission trip to Spain. I went.

Why say yes to these trips? 

Because when something is a time and money investment it (often) filters out people who are less committed. If you want better friends (and by proximity) a better life, find the people who are committed to things in their life. 

Do what's required plus a little.

It's the plus a little that has the outsized return. If people hangout it's the small extra that usually makes the biggest difference. Its the brunch after the meeting where business really happens.

I know what you're thinking, I don't have the time or energy to do all that stuff! That may be true. But the positive benefit of seeing people 3-4 times a week for months in a row created a depth of relationship that has been so healthy and life-giving. And done well you only have to go through this process once, unless you move, then by understanding this is a process you can duplicate it in a new environment. 

It's going to take planning and a willingness to identify and initiate these friendships. With consistent effort over the next 6 weeks you'll be just under half way to your first 90 days. You'd be surprised how much progress you can make. join me on June 24th to start.

You'll begin to know more of what do you want, which friendships are most life giving, and how to develop a foundation of social skills that will make you someone that others want to a part of their groups. Giving you the mental frameworks to develop friendships even in a new space where you don't know anyone yet.

Here what you need to do:

1. Choose three critical mindsets/questions:

   1. How do I show up as the best version of myself in this friendship/relationships? (and leave the other person better than I found them)

   2. Do what's required plus a little.

   3. Try new things and meet new people.

2. Join weekly events where you will see other people. Ideally find overlapping groups where you can see the same people more than one time a week. find a young adults group at a local church or a young professionals group.

3. new sports such as pickleball, yoga, group workout classes, swing dancing, etc. (If you can invest in a high end gym you’ll usually find good people.)

4. If you have a business join or go to a local BNI Chapter or a chamber of commerce to meet other business professionals.

5. As you find people you enjoy, ask them to coffee or lunch/dinner to develop a deeper friendship with them. (Certain environment such as BNI will encourage you to have coffee/lunch with other members)

6. I've included 5 books below all of which I've read multiple times. Read them.

P.S. Outsider to insider in 6 weeks Cohort starts on June 24th. The first 3 slots are 100% off: DM Cohort to https://www.instagram.com/danielbaarns/ to be added to the waitlist.

References:

Creativity Takes Practice (You’re Going To Suck At First)

How to win friends and influence people

never split the difference

Unreasonable hospitality

Limitless by Jim Kwik

Mindshift by Erwin McManus