I cried as I wrote this.

I've never cried while writing anything.

but this… this is different. It's authenticity. 

I couldn't fake this if I wanted to. This is the real pain I experience being creative. If you've ever wanted to create something but stopped for fear of making a mistake, this is for you.

How Perfection Murders Your Future

The dam inside me broke. I was so angry.

I wrote 100 F's because I didn't want to write out the whole word.

I knew I wasn't going to do well. Spanish 3. I could see it so clearly. Failure. Yet again. I wanted to get A's so badly and I was trying so hard. And I was still failing.

As you read these newsletters there is this part of me that always wanted to do this. To write. To speak. To share my thoughts. but the truth.

The truth is I was always afraid. Afraid because I knew I'd make mistakes. I knew my grammar would be wrong. I knew that there would be so much imperfection and that the only focus wouldn't be on the effort. it would be on the imperfection. Crushing weight. 

With imperfection is this sadness.

An unwillingness to try because if I never try at least I have an excuse: I didn't put in full effort. Yet the harshest judge is internal. And when my faults are pointed out by others it's simply a reminder of the finger I was already pointing at myself. 

That at some point in the future I'd make a mistake. And even if I built something beautiful it wouldn't matter. I'd simply end up destroying it anyway. This assumed future failure was what was destroying my present. 

But that's no way to live. I feel things too deeply. I also can move quickly. "I just need to take a walk and cry, and then I'll be fine." I said to her, I knew what was happening and I know that to feel is to be human. and I am aware of my body and my emotions and can process through them at a rapid rate. (that doesn't mean they hurt less)

The Green Place.

I long for wholeness and significance. In mad max fury road there is this talk of the green place. this place that (spoiler alert)... doesn't exist. This idea of the arrival. Yet what I keep finding is there is no arrival. Just responsibility. Responsibility which I'm choosing to carry. Grateful to be able to carry. 

Yet it isn't paradise. I had this idea of when I made a certain amount of money I'd feel like I'd really accomplished something. Yet it didn't really matter. It also makes me wonder if the other things that I put in a lofty place in my mind and heart aren't really that important. If I get married I'll still have to live with myself. If I have a massive business I still have to live with myself. If I create really useful digital products that sell well I still have to live with myself. 

The goal is wholeness not accomplishment to gain wholeness. I still want to do a lot of cool things, and I want the responsibility of people knowing who I am. But for years I was afraid of this responsibility even though I carried it in small ways. 

I've played drums in the Sacramento area over the last 7 years for over 75,000 people. There are a lot of people who have seen me on a stage at some point who I wouldn't recognize.

But this also happened in small ways.

The Small beginning.

My heart is racing.

60 students sit in a classroom. No professor. No one talking.

it's now 15 minutes after class was supposed to start (on the first day of class)

I know I need to do something. That's who I am. I go first. Imperfect action.

The professor said something about there being an experiment. (I was in the class right before this class.) So I knew something was happening, but I didn't know what.

So I started to stand up. Heart racing.

I said 10 words: (these words breaking the silence like glass shattering into a million pieces)

“So are we just going to sit here in silence?”

I stood at the front of the room, and we talked for another 10 minutes. They thought I was the professor before the professor came in. The atmosphere in that classroom completely changed. Because one person was willing to take imperfect action.

Because of this action all the students knew me. For the rest of the semester in that class they all knew my name, but I didn't know all of them. Simply because I stood up when no one else would. (but everyone had the same opportunity)

In that moment action was required, not perfection.

Full Effort Guaranteed imperfection:

There is this effort that I'm willing to put in. I'm going to make mistakes. My grammar and punctuation will be wrong. People will misunderstand me. 

and.

that's.

okay.

Because I'm actually trying 100%. I'd rather have incremental growth over a long time period than be crushed by an imagined future. To be whole and growing. To love this creative process. To be aware of the voices and influences in my life. To have friends and family who speak life into me. 

Rather than emptiness there is a wholeness. A willingness to express what feels like so many conflicting statements. 

I'm a blue collar worker. Who thrives in white collar spaces. While being a creative. Who loves working out. Who also loves learning languages and experiencing different cultures. I'm fascinated and moved by people. By their stories. I'm so goal driven I will shut everything out to achieve. While simultaneously desiring to spend time with those I love because I know time and life is short. 

These contrasts are the beauty of my existence. They are the red and blue and yellow from which I paint with words and with the actions I take in my day. I want to be a contrast. Whole, and wholly discontent. Growing and grounded, proud but never satisfied. Emptied of all the expectations of who I must become and choosing who I WILL become.

There is this constant tension. change is inevitable. I'd rather be an active agent towards it, than a passive recipient of it. Maybe that's a control issue.

The Pain Of Change.

In 2023 I invested heavily in relationships. That was the most important thing to me. As 2024 began I shifted and my business and creative output has become my focus. The painful part of that is that my priorities changed. There are people who I love dearly who I see a lot less. There are spaces that were routine that I no longer participate in. Not because they are bad places, but because the purpose they served is no longer what it once was. And these spaces have been renovated towards more intentional time with fewer friends. 

This was a painfully conscious choice. To change is painful. To leave a place I loved, not knowing if that sacrifice will pay off. but there is a greater pain. What if I never become who I'm supposed to be because I'm unwilling to bear the new responsibility wisely. 

I wanted this. I wanted to have a business. I didn't have to choose this. but I did.

Haunting is the desire for growth. The longing for novelty. To experience new things. Will I find myself after looking for the green place returning? Back to the citadel, realizing that what I really wanted I already had?

P.S. This Newsletter is dedicated to my sister in law. This was written as a response to reading her masters thesis. I’ve never cried as I wrote before. I did while writing this piece. Something about your story hit so hard. 

P.P.S. If a part of this resonated with you please screenshot it and share it to your Instagram story and Tag me: @DanielBaarns I hope this gets to as many creatives as possible.