I hate absolutes.

Never and always create walls.

The one exception is a book.

whose ideas I use on a daily basis.

That book is ‘Never Split the Difference’ by Chris Voss. It's one of two books whose ideas I use everyday of my life.

If you don't read any further please read or get the audible version of this book. It took 34 years of experience for Chris to write this book. 20 years in the FBI as a hostage negotiator and 14 more years within his consulting business the Black Swan Group. I'm sharing ideas that I've found very useful in my life and business. If you want the full 34 years of experience read the book.

The Problem

Have you ever heard someone wrong?

Did you know that the FBI uses 5 people to listen to one person when doing hostage negotiation?

Why?

Because listening is hard.

You have your own voices that are shouting so loudly that you can't hear the other person. That is why this matters. That's why developing this skill set of social skills can change how you function in almost every interaction in your life. If you are here, you want to grow, you want to become better with the people around you.

Here is the sneaky thing about not having social skills: You don't know what you are missing. It seems like everything is fine and normal and it is. But what if you could enjoy meeting new people rather than dreading it?

I was the awkward homeschooled kid who would talk at people. (They didn’t want to be in the conversation) This wasn’t easy for me. This was learned and trained over the last 13 years. That’s why I want you to read this book. If applied it has the potential to cut your learning curve down by years. It takes courage and confidence to try new things and meet new people. There is a risk. Each interaction and each person is different.

"I don't want to be fake" you may be saying. If I do all these things will I still be myself? No. You’ll be a better version of yourself. You’re becoming genuinely interested in understanding other people. (which was the focus of last weeks newsletter) In the beginning many of these ideas will take conscious effort but like most skills they become a part of you and work automatically. There is a cycle for every skill:

1. “Unconscious incompetence

2. Conscious incompetence

3. Conscious competence

4. Unconscious competence

5. Mastery” - Limitless Jim Kwik

How these apply to these skills:

1. You don’t know what you don’t know (most people with labels and mirrors)

2. You are aware of what you don’t know (after reading this newsletter)

3. Consciously practicing labels and mirrors (if you choose to practice)

4. Using labels and mirrors (without even thinking about it)

5. Using these skills even in intense environments or with immense pressure.

This is true of most skills including social skills and listening. At the beginning, this will be challenging and you'll want to focus on one skill at a time. Take one skill (like mirroring) and practice that for one day in your conversations. Then the next day, use Labels. Doing any of these things for one day may not make a huge difference. Like adding salt to meat or food:

Let these ideas sit with you like a marinade. Apply one idea each day. It will start to go deeper and deeper into who you are and how you show up. within a few days or weeks you are able to effect people in positive ways. (You will develop depth of flavor in your conversations)

If you add a ton of salt to meat at the last minute it's terrible. (kind of like trying to apply many ideas into social interactions at the same time). If you add some salt or other spices and let it marinade for days letting the salt work its way into the meat, all of a sudden when you cook the food it has more flavor. That's how developing these skills are. Doing a little bit each day is working this into who you are, slowly working your way through the cycle to gain more and more skill and ability in this area of your life. Like most things in life:

Social skills are like the salt of life.

You don't miss it till it's gone. Social skills might also be like bass in a song. You aren't always consciously looking for it.

If you were like me, you'd love to learn these skills. You've never heard of labels and mirrors. Because you've never heard of them you don't use them. You know the importance of active listening, but no one has ever shown you exactly how to apply it.

2 Ideas to apply today.

1. Mirror

How to use mirrors in 4 steps:

• Use the late night FM DJ voice

• Start with "I'm sorry"

• Mirror (last 3 words or 3 most important words, with upward inflection)

• Silence (at least 4 seconds)

After a client said he'd need to check his calendar I used a mirror to understand what was holding him back. He wanted the detail, but wouldn't commit to a date. He said:

"I need to check my calendar and get back to you."

I responded:

"I'm sorry, check your calendar?" (upward inflection followed by silence)

He then told me about all the other things that were happening, that were weighing on him before having the vehicle detailed. Potential hauling stuff for a remodel (didn't want to "waste" the money) by having it detailed before he was done hauling stuff.

Mirrors create clarity.

The way you say things and the body language you put behind those words effects more than the words you say. Which is why I wrote about how you dress. Because your clothing affects how you feel about yourself. either creating more confidence or destroying it.

At first mirroring will feel weird. But when you do this most people will expand on whatever it is they are saying. It's a way to create clarity and understanding without saying: what did you mean by that?

2. Labels

A label is a statement that starts with: It sounds like, it looks like, it seems like.

You can label a lot of different things. The easiest label to apply is the emotion behind what someone is saying. (you know you've accomplished this if they say “that's right” after you label)

If you can label a negative emotion it's 3 times more effective than if you label a positive emotion. You can also label incongruence. I had someone do this to me recently, I said I was good, but my body language didn't say that at all. I think all he said was "it doesn't seem like you're good" or "it seems like you're pretty tired" I was tired after working for 12 hours detailing. I felt really cared for in that interaction, that he noticed the in-congruency between my words, and my body language, and labeled it. and let me talk about why I was good, despite feeling very tired. (because both were true)

Within labels there is also the idea of doing an accusation audit. This means when you make a mistake, it's labeling everything that went badly or that you did wrong and expressing that to the other person BEFORE they can do it.

If you've openly acknowledged all the things that they want to say about you, and you've beat them to the punch so to speak, most people don't want to keep beating you up. Try to think of everything that they might think of to say about you where you made a mistake, and label it first. This often helps defuse tension, and opens the path to resolution and better relationships. This is a summary. There is more detail and examples within Never Split The Difference.

Please use mirrors and labels in your relationships this next week. you'll understand the people around you more. If more people are heard and understood the world will be a better a place. Thank you for reading this far.

Over the next 6 days focus on practicing:

1. Mirror at least once per day.

2. Label once per day.

P.S. this will feel foreign at first, that's normal.

References:
Never Split The Difference - Chris Voss

Ego Authority Leadership - Derek Gaunt

Limitless - Jim Kwik

Chris Voss on the basement with Tim Ross

6 Steps To Dress Well. (Even if you hate picking what to wear everyday)

The Age Of The Social Savant (Last weeks Newletter)